HEALTH AND WELL-BEING

The key to building better relationships

by Rayle Roberts, 
MSW owner and partner of the Wellness Centre

Friday,  April 22, 2005

Every relationship has its conflicts. In some relationships, conflicts become serious problems while in others differences between the two persons seem to be resolved without creating a major incident. Think about the relationship you are in, whether it is a marriage or a dating relationship – do you have typical conflicts such as disagreements over who should do what or how things should be done or even conflicts because of differences of personality or personal style? These are normal in all relationships. However, problems arise when the conflict is handled in a wrong and unhealthy manner. 

Many times we avoid or deny the conflict; we change the subject; react emotionally by becoming aggressive, abusive, hysterical, frightened, or we may find someone else to blame. We are not born with the innate knowledge of how to resolve our differences of opinion, arguments or turf wars. How we deal with conflicts is learned behaviour, which is influenced significantly by our family of origin and how we observed them react and behave when conflicts arose. If parents yelled during arguments we learn that to resolve conflict we yell. Couples will find many times that they resolve conflict in very different ways and this can be attributed to behaviours they learned while growing up. Many persons will do exactly as they learnt and others will pledge to do it differently. It then leaves the couple with the responsibility of figuring out what style of conflict resolution will work best in the relationship. This requires the couple talking about a conflict prior to one occurring. Conflicts escalate or continue simply because the couple’s style of resolution is not effective or the two styles are completely different and they find themselves working against each other.

Our perceived roles in the home and society may also influence the way we resolve conflict. Men may have been taught as boys that what they say goes and they are not to be challenged. Problems then occur when they enter an intimate relationship and their female partner challenges them or disagrees with something they say. 

There are no heroes or villains in marriage or committed relationships, just two people who care for and love each other enough to join their lives for better or worse. In reality, some relationships will grow stronger with time, as the couple continues to grow and learn more about each other. Others are not as fortunate. Relationships fail for many different reasons. However, for many, failure comes because the two parties were never on the same page. The couple never learnt to communicate effectively and the relationship was doomed to fail. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. We have to be honest about the relationship we’re in and the potential for future growth as well as being able to combat against destructive agents such as corrosive secrets, lack of trust or other misunderstandings. These things can not only destroy the relationship but also the people involved. 

Much goes into choosing a compatible partner. Another factor which plays a significant role in how one resolves conflict is their cultural background. People from different cultures resolve conflict differently. When choosing a partner you must consider the issue of cultural compatibility, especially here in the Cayman Islands, a melting pot of nationalities. It is natural in countries like ours to begin a relationship with someone from a different culture. We always have to remember that the greater the cultural disparity, the greater the chance of not being compatible and this may require the need for conflict resolution or conflict management skills. As mentioned earlier, these are matters which should be discussed prior to marriage and if possible prior to embarking on an intimate relationship. Other things that affect a relationship are gender roles, difference in intelligence, education level and personality.

No matter the relationship or the duration of time a couple have been together it is natural for conflicts to arise especially when you add children and parenting styles to the equation. However, there are simple tools that we can all learn to help us resolve our conflicts and communicate better. One of the best tools to effective communicating is active listening. This valuable skill involves: first listening, then restating the other person’s words, which will demonstrate to them that you understand what they are saying before you speak. For example, your partner tells you that they are upset because of X; you would then say back to them “I understand that you are upset because of X.” It will make the other person feel good just to have been heard and not shot down before they’ve finished expressing their complaint.

Secondly, if you find yourself in a conflict, stick to ‘I’ statements; avoid name calling and put downs; if your partner is shouting or yelling do not do the same, if you don’t raise your voice it will be harder for your partner to sustain their raised voice. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view and always make sure to watch your body language, which can often be threatening. 

Many couples will get to a point where conflicts in their relationship have escalated to a state where they find they are no longer in control. They may find that they can’t agree even on the simple things. It is at this time when external help is recommended. You may find that by seeking the help of a professional you may discover a new tool to use in resolving your conflicts which will not only reduce conflicts but also enhance your relationship. Seeking the help of a professional, over the listening ear of a friend, may sometimes be a better plan as friends are emotionally invested in your relationship and will on most occasions tell you what you want to hear. 

The absolute best way to manage conflicts in your relationship is to prevent it. Make a point of bringing issues out in the open before they have time to fester and become a problem. Be aware of your triggers and sit and discuss with your partner the process by which as a couple you will deal with conflicts before they occur. Keeping the lines of communication open is a key to any successful relationship. Remember conflicts happen in every relationship. It is inevitable, so have a plan. 

The Wellness Centre offers a Pre-Marital Group which is designed to address issues such as: conflict resolution, effective communication and other relevant matters to help ensure that your marriage starts off on the right foot. For those couples already married or in a relationship and communicating as effectively as you would like the Wellness Centre also offers couples counseling as individual sessions.

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