AWelcome Service to Mediate and Resolve Family Conflicts
Tanya Nelson
Mrs. Tanya Nelson, a social worker withalmost 12 years at the Department of Social Services (DSS), recentlycompleted a Masters degree in Conflict Resolution from ColumbiaCollege in South Carolina. The DSS welcomes with open arms theability to offer divorce mediation and conflict resolution, bothservices which were previously offered on a limited basis.
"We are extremely pleased to providethis regularly as an option in addition to the others serviceswe offer," states Director of DSS Mrs. Deanna Look Loy. "Aperson able to specifically provide divorce mediation has beenmuch coveted by the department for some time. Shortly after commencingher studies Tanya made her services available to the courts andthey have ever since been well utilised by the magistrates andjudges. I am thankful to Tanya's colleagues for supporting herduring her course of study and to our government for funding hercourse and allowing her the time to pursue her studies on thejob. We were able to provide personal supervision for Tanya throughthe department's Training Officer, Ms. Dorian Lennon," sheadds.
Prior to her studies, Mrs. Nelson workedprimarily with child protection and related issues. In 1996 sheattended a Chamber of Commerce workshop on mediating conflictsin the workplace, and saw the potential for something similarin family situations. She later attended a divorce and familymediation course offered by the Medical Institute of America and"became hooked" as she puts it.
"I immediately became aware that somethingof this nature would be an invaluable asset to Cayman, particularlyif offered through DSS," she explains. "While I enjoyedmy work in child protection, it was reactive and I began to reactto the negatives I was exposed to day in and day out. I wantedto take a more proactive approach to educate and step inbefore kids got to the point at which I usually saw them. Now,when I help parents reach resolution in their conflicts, I amalso helping to prevent it destroying the kids who are aninnocent party in the whole affair."
Mrs. Nelson remained in Cayman during herstudies, corresponding with Columbia College via Internet ande-mail, while at the same time continuing to work full time withDSS. Periodically she went to South Carolina to check in withher professors and to complete her required two-week residencysites. Requirements for her degree included a practicum whichwas supervised by Mrs. Dorian Lennon, a departmental trainer atDSS. At that time, Tanya obtained permission to start a pilotmediation programme work that until then she had been doinginformally. "Timing was wonderful," she recalls. "Justat that time I was given two referrals from the courts involvinghigh conflict situations, and was able to use those to launchformal mediation."
"Mediation is quite a simple concept,"Mrs. Nelson points out. "Basically, you bring two peopletogether who are in conflict, allow each to have his or her turnto talk, then have them sign off on what they've agreed and that's 85% of what's involved!" First though, she meetsindividually with each parent, to explain what the process isabout and to get them grounded. At that time they are given apacket to take home and read.
Finally, the couple comes together in ajoint session with Mrs. Nelson, where she is present as an unbiasedparty she stresses that she has no stake in the outcomeof the conflict. She also makes it clear that they are there voluntarilyand can terminate the mediation programme at any time. "Ifind that as a result many couples take ownership of the process and in the majority of cases they stick it out because ofa personal desire to resolve their conflicts."
Mrs. Nelson sees her role as primarily aneducator in the process. "In family conflict, it is veryimportant that the parties involved see not only the effect itis having on themselves, but on their children as well. Frequentlyin these situations, individuals become so inward-looking thatthey fail to recognise the long-term, detrimental impact theirproblems have on other family members. Fortunately, many timeswhen they do find out, it is motivation to reach resolution."
Mrs. Nelson finds that one of the main reasonscases end up with her is a lack of communication skills. "Oncepeople begin to learn some of the basics of communication, theyare often surprised at what they learn from their partner. Kidslearn how to communicate and to resolve conflict from their parents;if the parents fail then the cycle continues. Communication isa vital skill to acquire and is one of the benefits of going throughmediation."
In most jurisdictions where conflict managementis a routine part of many court cases and civil suits, couplesare sent first to a course in relationships. If after that theyare still conflicting, they are then sent for mediation. SinceMrs. Nelson works alone, she felt it would be helpful to combinethe two and implement the techniques suggested in the relationshipscourse during mediation.
She started including a video based seriescalled 'Co-operative Parenting and Divorce' in her mediation sessions,picking and choosing portions of it to suit each situation. "Ifind that it works very well, and with me running both areas,I am able to remind people of segments from the series while mediating,"says Mrs. Nelson. "I was encouraged to note that after Ihad been doing this for some time, it became the newest approachto dealing with high-conflict parents in other places."
Most of Mrs. Nelson's referrals come fromthe maintenance court, although as her services become more widelyknown, she is beginning to get a number of self-referrals. Oneof the few downsides to her job, she says, is when she has no-showsor unwilling parties. One reason that mediation is voluntary issimply because if a person does not want it, forcing them intoit just will not work. "Although sometimes I see how mediationcould help in certain situations and am frustrated when peoplerefuse to participate, I realise the wisdom in not making it compulsory,"she says.
Tanya is happily married to Paul Nelson,and the couple has two daughters: Rachael aged six, and Ashleighaged four. Originally from Cayman Brac, she spent her Junior Highand High School years in Florida.