Ask Dr Brothers
Need For Acceptance; Increase In Violence
Joyce Brothers
Dear Dr. Brothers: I'm not an eavesdropper, but I was a bit disturbed
by overhearing some of my 14-year-old daughter's seemingly endless
phone conversations, which are still mostly with girls. What surprises
me is that she takes one view with one person, and then seems
to hold a totally opposite view with the next. It's as if she's
constantly shifting her personality. While I realize that at 14
her standards, opinions and personality aren't totally formed,
I'm wondering if this is unusual. If so, what does it signify?
--
T.D.
Dear T.D.: Youngsters your daughter's
age are at a time in life when acceptance by peers is very important,
but your daughter should be confident enough to stand behind what
she feels and thinks. I think this is important for all children,
but it's especially vital for young women, who often get messages
that it's good to be passive or that this is what's expected of
"ladies."
At some time in the near future, you might have a conversation
with her to find out how she feels about being assertive. You
might also point out that there's a difference between being assertive
and being aggressive. Let her know that it's acceptable to disagree.
It sounds as if she might be switching sides in order not to have
to disagree with a friend's view. She might fear that if she is
herself -- someone with a view that might be different -- she
won't be liked. Self-confidence is a quality much admired by both
sexes. Males, especially, seem to find females who are self-confident
more attractive than those who are always passive.
Dear Dr. Brothers: I'm a seventh-grade teacher, with two
children of my own in the school system. I'm troubled by what
seems to me to be an increase in the use of force and fists to
settle arguments on the playground and in children's television,
as well as in many professional and nonprofessional sports. What
bothers me is that if all these boys and girls think it's acceptable
to pummel someone every time they're displeased or angry, what's
to stop them from behaving in the same manner with their own children
when they become parents? Are we going to have more battered babies
and abused kids? How can we stop this trend? --
L.C.
Dear L.C.: This is a difficult problem,
because we often see force being rewarded in the news, in sports,
on television and in films. As you point out, even comic strips,
cartoons and ads designed to appeal to the young contain more
displays of violence. Often an abused animal or an abused human
is seen as a source of humor.
Discussions by leaders justifying pre-emptive strikes or hitting
first need to be carefully explained to children. I believe parental
responsibility has increased because of the very incidents of
violence that you mention. Children need to be reminded that intelligent
people think first and use their brains to explore, debate and
negotiate before using fists. Bullying behavior is not a sign
of strength, but of weakness.