Overseas News
Joe Bob's the Past Week in Review
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Roy Moore, chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, was ordered
to remove his 5,280-pound monument to the Ten Commandments from
the state courthouse by a federal judge who said, "Thou shalt
not be silly."
"Les Miserables" will close after 17 years on Broadway.
The story apparently seems less novel now that we're once again
putting people in prison for stealing bread.
Hothead Texas Tech basketball Coach Bobby Knight sued Indiana
University, claiming he was fired without cause two years ago
and that the firing cost him $2 million in income from TV, radio,
a basketball camp, a shoe contract and other endorsements. Settlement
talks broke down after university President Myles Brand refused
Knight's offer to drop all claims if he could just put Brand in
a headlock, twist his ear and give him a wedgie.
Michael Jackson dangled his baby off a fifth-floor hotel balcony
in Berlin. The incident will be included in the baby's memoirs,
to be released in 2054.
The Nebraska legislature voted to keep Old Sparky, making Nebraska
the only remaining state to use the electric chair for executions.
There's just something about that crackling sizzle that's timeless.
Nine days after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, Fox News Channel
chairman Roger Ailes sent "an important-looking confidential
communication" to President Bush, telling him he needed to
convince America he was taking "the harshest measures possible"
against terrorism or else the public would desert him, according
to a new book by Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward. Ailes
denies giving political advice to Bush, but the issue is moot:
Fox News Channel gives advice to EVERYBODY.
In March, the Bush administration gave in to the demands of Washington
state farmers and allowed water to be diverted from Klamath Lake
for irrigation, even though Indian tribes and fishermen claimed
it was a violation of environmental laws. In September, 30,000
salmon flopped onto the shores of the Klamath River, bloated and
rotting, because the river had become too shallow and slow-moving.
Federal officials denied that the two events were related, saying
they heard the fish were planning on dying anyway once they got
upstream.
Mel Gibson is directing "The Passion," the story of
the last 12 hours of Jesus' earthly life, in Matera, Italy, and
having all actors speak in ancient Aramaic (even the Romans?).
Gibson says he doesn't think subtitles will be needed when the
movie is released, but if you don't trust him, better start those
Berlitz Aramaic classes NOW.
Three-hundred forensic pathologists met in Shreveport, La., for
their annual convention, which features the Cadaver Open golf
tournament and 2.5 K Rigor Run. After all that fun during the
daytime, they gather in the hotel lounges at night and share a
few stiff ones.
Ted Turner banned "Speedy Gonzalez" cartoons from his
television networks, saying they portray negative Hispanic stereotypes.
Excuse us, but since Speedy is fast, smart and enterprising, is
Ted saying that a slow, lazy and dumb cartoon Hispanic would be
more desirable? Besides, Speedy always outsmarts and eludes the
morally reprehensible Sylvester, who has no supporters at all,
not even among animal rights groups.
Astronomers at Johns Hopkins University revised their opinion
that the universe is a light turquoise green color. Because of
a computer code error, they say, that was a mistaken I.D., and
the universe is actually a beige shade, which they have christened
Cosmic Latte. Would you like to leave room for Milky Way?
The body of Tony Wayne Smith was found wrapped in clear plastic
and attached to a stop sign at an intersection in Wayne County,
N.C. Sheriff's deputies said they do NOT suspect foul play. He
simply went to a party the night before and got bagged.
Pearson Prentice Hall withdrew its popular 1,000-page American
history textbook, "Out of Many," from consideration
by the state of Texas as an advanced placement text, because conservative
groups objected to two paragraphs explaining that prostitution
was common in 19th-century cattle towns. Hey, we've all seen "Gunsmoke."
Miss Kitty wasn't a hooker. Wipe that grin off your face, Marshal
Dillon.
Sultaana Freeman of Orange County, Fla., wore a chador when she
got her driver's license picture taken, so the Department of Motor
Vehicles revoked the license, even though her religious beliefs
forbid her from showing her face to strangers. She's suing the
state and, judging by the enlargement of her pupils, she's steamed.
Todd Warren, a Sunday School teacher at Prairie Oak Community
Church in Andover, Minn., questioned a 16-year-old boy about masturbation
and homosexuality, then told him to write "What would Jesus
do?" on his penis in order to avoid temptation. Nobody is
that kinky.
Roscoe Grant Jr., deputy director of the Child Support Enforcement
Division of the District of Columbia, is being sued by a family
that says he never paid child support for his 20-year-old son.
His defense: he didn't know he HAD that particular son. In his
line of work, those little rascals are everywhere!
Scenes from our secure republic:
Both terminals at Oakland (Calif.) International Airport were
evacuated after an elderly woman without a plane ticket wandered
through a security checkpoint exit and into a secured area. After
thoroughly checking the woman's walker and asking her to remove
her orthopedic support hose, the airport was reopened.
Scenes from domestic life:
Madeline Carmichael of Brooklyn, N.Y., beat to death her 3-year-old
daughter, Latanisha, and hid the body in a trunk behind a closet
wall for 20 years. It's amazing what you can do with potpourri.