Ask Dr Brothers
Reviving Old Romance; Sharing Thanksgiving Dinner
Joyce Brothers
Dear Dr. Brothers:
A truly weird thing happened to me recently. By chance, I met
a man with whom I once shared a two-year relationship that was
mostly wonderful. I had to leave town for a six-month work assignment,
and during that time, he fell for someone else and married her.
Now, years later, we're both single again and in our mid-40s.
I ran into him in the street, and later we met for dinner. He
was feeling down on himself because he'd failed to stop a mugging
shortly before we bumped into each other. Apparently, he simply
froze and was unable to move. I tried to reassure him that he
wasn't really a coward, and now, amazing as it might sound, we're
a couple again, only this time we're considering marriage. Is
it possible to have a second go-round that really works? --
J.G.
Dear J.G.: Love
The second time around is often more successful, because both partners are generally a bit wiser, having learned from past mistakes. When couples are reconciling, even though years have passed, it's a good idea to discuss and share some of the difficulties they've had with others and with each other in the past. Be honest about your faults and shortcomings, and ask yourself if perhaps you've overcome them. If you can do this, if you can laugh together and have fun, as well as share serious moments, I'd say your chances for happiness together are excellent.
Dear Dr. Brothers:
Ever since I can remember, our Thanksgivings have been family
affairs, with our children and our in-laws. Yesterday, our 15-year-old
son announced that he wanted to bring his girlfriend along. I
didn't say anything, but I really don't like this idea. Somehow,
it destroys our wholeness as a family unit. Also, it doesn't help
that neither my husband nor I particularly like this young woman.
I don't know, but I'd be willing to bet she isn't even our religion.
My husband doesn't think she's a Christian. When I didn't react
to our son's statement about her, he said it was cool with him
if we didn't want to include her -- he's saved enough money to
take her to the diner. What should we do? -- T.W.
Dear T.W.:
It's my own view that the "T" in Thanksgiving should
stand for tolerance and sharing, as well as gratitude. No matter
what this young woman's religion -- or lack of it -- or her background,
I would certainly welcome her. This not only shows that you love
and respect your son, but that you're a kind and gracious hostess.
This holiday is one of the most important holidays of the year
because it's a time, rare in many homes today, when people pause
long enough to sit down at the same table to share ideas and national
and personal values, as well as good food. This is also a celebration
that's supposed to show our awareness and compassion for those
who have less food and are less fortunate. This is why, traditionally,
many Americans spend some time away from their own friends and
families to serve the homeless in soup kitchens and houses of
worship.