Ask Dr Brothers
Questioning Progressive School; About Children And Risk-Taking
Joyce Brothers
Dear Dr. Brothers:
I'm a single father of a great 13-year-old girl. Because of my
job, she has recently started a new, progressive school. It's
expensive, but I'm paying willingly, because it's got an excellent
reputation. Now my daughter tells me that at this school, girls
and boys are separated in math and science classes. I'm troubled,
since these are two of the most important subjects, and I'm wondering
if that means she's somehow not getting the same quality education
she would if she were a boy. I don't have a great amount of time
at the moment to check this out, because of an increase of work
and pressure in my new job. How does dividing the sexes in these
classes strike you? --
F.T.
Dear F.T.:
This idea is being used in a number of schools as a means of boosting
performance, especially of gifted young women, whose grades and
self-esteem often drop when they reach puberty. This approach
has been very successful, so from what I hear, you've no reason
to lose faith in the school you've selected for your daughter.
Studies have revealed that one of the
reasons girls' grades tumble when they reach your daughter's age
is that teachers tend to call on boys more frequently and push
them harder. They pay more attention to them and question them
more -- which, of course, is good for any student. Also, girls
often feel that boys tend to like girls who don't appear to be
as smart as the boys are. In short, boys enjoy feeling superior,
and this can leave girls having to play dumb -- or thinking they
need to -- in order to attract boys.
Dear Dr. Brothers:
We have a son and a daughter, born a year apart. Our son is 10,
and our daughter is 9. We're surprised and delighted that in many
ways, they're totally different. Our daughter is the adventurous
risk-taker, and our son is the quiet, shy one. I'm a nervous Nellie
and always have been, so I'm both frightened and amazed that our
daughter is constantly getting into trouble because she takes
on physical challenges that are both unnecessary and dangerous.
Any clues about why a child would do this, and is there anything
we can do about it? -- G.N.
Dear G.N.:
There's some evidence that
the desire for sensation and high-risk activity might be genetic,
but often when girls who have brothers engage in this kind of
behavior, it's related to a desire to get more attention and praise
from parents. Or, if they feel there's any preference for the
male child, they might be trying to prove they can compete physically,
as well as in other ways, and win.
If you're overly anxious, your daughter might be rebelling against you by trying to prove that nothing frightens her. Excessive risk-taking could also come from an underlying feeling that no one really cares about what happens to her, so she doesn't care, either.
Sit down with your husband and talk with your daughter. Let her know you're worried because you love her so much. Use this conversation to try to find out if she knows why she takes such dangerous risks. You might end up by making some kind of contract with her, some negotiation where you and she both get what you want.