Help Me Harlon
Teen Trains for Sport ofRejection
Harlon Cohen
Dear Harlan,
I am a 15-year-old junior in high school whose girlfriend of eightmonths decided it was time to end the relationship. This is myfirst real relationship, and I did not anticipate the sense ofconfusion that I'm dealing with at the moment.
Since the breakup (three days ago) I havefelt completely lost. While I have great friends who are alwaysthere for comfort and support, it does not take the place of the(supposedly) wonderful relationship. Complicating matters furtheris that my ex still seems to want to be there for me, just notin any romantic kind of way. The stress is hurting my abilityto sleep, and it's difficult to focus on my schoolwork and keepfood down in the mornings. I want to feel better and get my self-esteemand self-respect back, but I don't know where to begin.
How can I start recovering from this relationshipgone awry? Broken Up
Dear Broken,
It's agonizing, stomach-churning andit's ALL completely normal. No one ever told you, but gettinghurt is part of it.
Dating is like the sport of boxing. Justlike boxing, dating means risking getting hurt. And just likeboxing, the sport of dating takes training. The problem with datingis that most people don't train. They just run into the ring andget badly hurt. As a result, those people become afraid to takerisks. Some settle on something safe. Others just watch life passby as a spectator.
Give yourself time to heal, and thenbegin "training." Work on getting comfortable physicallyand emotionally. Get involved in school. Reconnect with friends.Challenge yourself outside the classroom with athletics and activities.Appreciate time with yourself. Discover a passion outside of arelationship -- a passion that you'll always have, whether ornot you're in a relationship. Then look to find passion in someoneelse.
As for your ex, if seeing her as a friendis too hard, tell her that you need a break from being her friend.If you still can't heal, seek professional help. You might bedown, but you're not out. Just get ready for round two.
Hey Harlan,
I just turned 20 in July. While working at my summer job, I developeda crush on a 15-year-old girl, who'll be turning 16 in February.She is really mature for her age and is a fantastic person. Overthe summer, we had been talking and doing a few things together.Now, I would like to make more of it and ask her out, but I feellike I can't because of the age barrier. I'm not ready for marriageand don't believe in sex until after marriage. Should I have anyconcerns about dating someone who is four and a half years youngerthan me? An Older Man
Dear Older,
It's not cool to be cruisingthe high-school bike racks looking for a date. Yes, you shouldbe concerned. Not that you are planning on having sex with her,but if it "accidentally" happened, you could "accidentally"get arrested. It's playing with fire. Be a friend, but not herboyfriend. Tell her that you want to date her, but that you wantto wait until she's older. That's the mature thing to do. That'sthe hard thing to do. That's the right thing to do. Actually,that's the only thing to do.