Cayman’s biggest comic, Big Kahuna, real name, Michael Powell, is back, with a free one-man show at the pool bar of the Sunshine Suites in West Bay on Fridays at 8.30. The show is really intended for an adult audience.

On his opening night Mr Powell began by telling his audience that the Cayman Islands were not part of America, as they may have assumed, but was actually a British colony.

“The picture you see on the wall at the airport is the Queen, it is not employee of the month,” he explained to some of his American friends in the audience.

Outlining the virtues of Cayman society, he drew attention to the low crime rate (“unless you happen to work in a bank in West Bay”).

Next, Mr Powell told the audience about Cayman’s tourist attractions such as the Turtle Farm. “It’s fun to eat turtles. They are the only animal that comes in its own bowl,” he said.

He warned the tourists to be careful of eating too much hot jerk chicken when they are too drunk to know better, “Otherwise, next day you’ll be saying: ‘Honey, could you please put the toilet paper in the deep freeze for a while.’”

Next came Cayman’s biggest tourist attraction, scuba diving: “I float well,” he said, “but then that’s not the idea of scuba diving; you have to actually go under the water,” he explained.

The next topic was sharks.

“Who is afraid of sharks? I am. I’ll tell you why: because you are just a snack to a shark, whereas I am the shark’s whole meal, plus Christmas presents for the whole family,” he said.

Recalling a close encounter with a shark, he said, “There I was, at the bottom of the sea: Shark luncheon meat. Then I saw a shark. I remembered my instruction about a situation like this, my instructor had told me: ‘don’t make any sudden moves; slowly and calmly move away from the shark.’ I came up to the surface like a Polaris Submarine; like Superman going off to save the world,” he said.

The next subject was the troubles that Mr Kahuna has encountered because he is larger than average.

“Fat guys get blamed for everything. If this girl falls over, (pointing to a girl in the audience), they would be concerned, and say, ‘have you been hurt? Do you need an ambulance?”

“If I slip up and fall over, they say: “Ha ha, the fat guy’s fallen over.”

The next topic was the virtues of women:

“Women are better than us because they actually care about things. Men don’t care. If a group of women are out together and one of them gets drunk, and wants to go home with a guy like me, they all group together to stop her.

If a guy is out with his friends, and gets drunk and goes off with a transvestite, all his friends say, “Great.”

“A frightening fact is that a guy will have a sexual thought once every 22 seconds. What’s even more frightening is that in between those thoughts there’s really very little going on.”

Other jokes revolved around Mr Powell’s stage-persona girlfriend, Big Janet.

“One of the things about going out with a large-size woman is that they are very sensitive,” he says. “Janet walks around saying, “Honey, do I look big?” I say, “Big compared to what? Jupiter? You seem to have two smaller women elliptically orbiting your butt if that’s what you mean.”

christopher@caymannetnews