By Jessie Knadler

You were totally psyched about your new dress/upcoming trip/plans to get a dog—until Ms Negativo felt compelled to give you 50 reasons why you were making a grave mistake. What gives with these critical types?

And how do you get them to quit monsooning on your parade?

You didn’t see it coming. You didn’t even feel it land — until a split second later when you suddenly realize you’ve had the wind knocked out of you.

What just hit you?

Someone’s nasty comment, and it’s cut you to the core.

Sometimes a faultfinder disguises her disapproval as a quasi-compliment: “I would have never had the courage to talk to my boss the way you did.” Other times, a jab takes the form of a cautionary tale: “You’re going on a cruise? I still get nightmares about the time I spent two weeks in the lavatory aboard one of those ships.” And occasionally it’s just served up the old-fashioned way — cold: “Those vegetarian burritos you made? Gross.”

Granted, not every critic is intentionally trying to smash your various hopes, dreams, and good intentions into a bloody pulp. Perhaps she is genuinely trying to be honest and helpful, or is completely clueless — or maybe this is just her weird, corrosive way of making conversation.

Whatever her motive, you’re left second-guessing your decisions (Was I being out of line with my boss the other day?

Maybe taking a cruise isn’t such a fabulous idea after all...), and editing — if not completely overhauling — your future behavior suddenly seems to be in order.

But here’s the thing: “By giving in to the critical opinions of others, you end up relinquishing your own, and that dilutes your purpose in life,” says Judith Orloff, M.D., author of Positive Energy. “In other words, the more authority you relinquish, the more dependent you become upon others to determine what’s right for you — and the less confident you feel in your decisions.” (The word “pushover” comes to mind.) What’s more, because daring to try new things, follow your dreams, and go with your gut can be hard, a critic’s negativity can stop even the strongest, most determined of us in our tracks. This is why you need to listen closely to your own inner voice, the one that cheers you on and helps you just go for it, no matter what the buzz killers say. After all, who can know what’s right for you except you?

So the next time one of these critical types crosses your path, here’s how not to let her snipes throw you off course.


The “Honest” Critic

This is the person who considers it her divine right — and duty — to speak the truth at all costs. (“That new dress makes you look a little hippy.” “Damn, your dog is fat. What are you feeding him — gravy?” “I would have never let my kid get away with that.”) And you’re not supposed to be offended because, hey, she’s just being honest — and isn’t honesty a virtue? Not necessarily. “A friend’s mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and one of my other friends said to me and some mutual friends that the woman got it because she wasn’t a healthy eater,” recalls Rhett Pruitt, 35, of Mountain Rest, SC. “I was so angry. I was already feeling very upset about my friend’s mom, and hearing those insensitive words made things even worse.”

This type of person is self-centered, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. “She says the first thing that pops into her mind — just like a 2-year-old — with no regard for hurt feelings or consequences.” Or she’s provocative just for effect, hoping to cause a stir by dropping verbal bombs no one else would dream of saying.

But here’s the rub: Telling this walking sledgehammer that her harsh words hurt your or anyone else’s feelings may play right into her need to be the brave truth teller, thus stoking an already inflamed ego. So to call her on her bad behavior, say something like, “I guess I’m one of those people who prefers tact and empathy to ‘honesty,’” suggests Tessina. Or simply say nothing at all. “Let her comment hang in the air like a bad smell,” Tessina suggests. “This person craves attention and drama. She can’t get it if you don’t take the bait.” After your meaningful silence, just say, pointedly, “Oh,” then change the subject.


The Change-Averse Critic

It doesn’t matter if you’re launching an eBay business or considering becoming a redhead — this critic is standing by with a bullhorn to let you know that your idea is probably a crazy/dangerous/financially fraught/selfish one.

With this type of critic, there are usually two underlying issues at play — fear and a need for control. “They’re afraid of the unknown and of not being in charge of their surroundings, so they end up projecting those fears onto everybody else,” explains Tessina. Your idea might also make this critic realize her life isn’t all she wants it to be, so she tries to hold you back along with her.

Before you launch a defense, however, consider that she may actually be onto something. Maybe eBay is already saturated with the same reversible handbags you want to sell through your online boutique. Perhaps a person’s personality does change (and not always for the better) after overhauling their look on impulse.

That’s not to say that you need to give up your plans. “People make the mistake of thinking that criticism means their intention or goal was probably wrong or half-baked all along, and that they’re obligated to stay in the status quo,” says Robert Leahy, Ph.D., director of The American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in New York City and author of The Worry Cure. “But those who are willing to tolerate some ambivalence and criticism tend to be better decision makers overall. Collecting information, weighing the pros and cons, and fine-tuning your plans are signs of thoughtfulness and maturity.”

Besides, if everyone thought your idea was good or easy, there wouldn’t be any risk involved — or glory either, says Leahy. You might even want to thank this person for her input. Her negativity has helped you take ownership of your tenacity and willingness to explore new horizons. Come to think of it, Leahy adds, “this critic is basically telling you that she doesn’t have the guts to do it herself.” How’s that for an ego boost?


The Nay-Saying Critic

Six years ago, having had enough of dead-end jobs, Laura Elizabeth decided to follow her dream of being a writer. She began applying to writing programs at several top universities — even though she didn’t think she had the credentials to get in. “I wanted to apply to an Ivy League school,” says the 31-year-old from Houston. “One of my colleagues, who knew how much I wanted this, said, ‘I wouldn’t waste the paper.’ Where was her diplomacy? What a way to kill my spirit.”

Though it may feel as if this critic simply enjoys undermining your intentions, she may also be incapable of relating beyond the prism of her own experience. She can’t imagine herself getting into a top school, so she expects the school would reject you too. In this regard, she’s not necessarily trying to be malicious — it just comes out like that.

There are ways to tell when a nay-saying critic is trying to be snide, however. A condescending tone of voice is an obvious tip-off, and this critic will often make a point of contrasting your choices to her far superior ones. (Example: “You’re vacationing in Belize? John and I thought about going, but we decided that it’s more important to save for Junior’s college fund.”)

You can nip this critic in the bud by turning the discussion around so that instead of being about you and your choices, it’s about her. The best way to do that: Ask questions. For instance, Laura could have asked her colleague about her passions and dreams. And instead of getting defensive when naysayers unleash their negativity, let your actions speak for you. “Try to view this kind of put-down, whether intentional or not, as a challenge to prove your critic wrong,” says Tessina.


The Competitive Critic

“I once had a boss who I would characterize as borderline abusive,” says Theresa, a 51-year-old newspaper exec in Wichita, KS. “She called me into her office and told me other department heads were complaining that I was difficult to work with. I was absolutely stunned because I didn’t think that I had any problems with any of my colleagues.

“Turns out she had been telling other department heads the exact same thing — that she had received complaints about them too,” Theresa recalls. “When several of us later compared notes, we realized that there was no basis at all to what she had told us. I’m not sure what could have motivated her to want to create such needless discord among her subordinates.”

Most likely, the boss was paranoid that her staff might outshine her. “Any victory or happiness on your part makes this critic feel somehow less successful and less happy — as if there were only a finite amount of these successes to go around,” explains Tessina. “In her mind, your moving ahead means she’ll be left behind, so she tries to intimidate you into submission or chase you off completely.”

Unfortunately, there are some competitive critics you simply can’t run from, especially if that person happens to be your supervisor. Theresa was able to shake off her boss’s harsh words, though, once she consulted with her colleagues. “In a weird way, the criticism helped me,” she says. “It made me look for and receive support from my coworkers.”

If the competitive critic is someone other than a toxic boss, such as a spiteful colleague or a sister-in-law, call her on it. Assume that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. “Say something like, ‘You say you’re happy about my promotion/new house/new baby, but I sense some tension lately — is everything okay?’” suggests Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., author of Mean Girls Grow Up. Hopefully, she’ll grasp that her behavior has bothered you, and she’ll be more gracious in the future. She may, however, get defensive and accuse you of having changed and other various offenses. Plow on with your point anyway. Confronting the root of the problem will either signal the need for you to distance yourself from her — or allow the relationship to grow.


The Know-It-All Critic

Some people can’t help but contradict everything that comes out of your mouth — no matter how inane or innocuous. “I’m a pretty good cook, but my ex-boyfriend fancied himself to be this great epicure and chef, even though we both had about the same level of experience,” recalls Amy Harrison, a 33-year-old photo editor in New York City. “So he was always belittling my skills in the kitchen. I’d tell him I wanted to use butter and he’d make a face and insist we use olive oil. Or if I wanted to use olive oil, he had to have butter. It was like living in Opposite World.”

Whether in the kitchen, at the office, or at your children’s school, the know-it-all considers communication an excuse to bash you over the head with his superior knowledge and opinions — regardless of whether he’s right.

Granted, some know-it-alls are simply analytical by nature and enjoy taking on the contrarian role. “In his mind, he’s sorting through and presenting all the options,” says Dellasega. In a weird way, he may even be trying to help you think outside the box.

All too often, however, “a know-it-all type is obsessed with the idea that there exists a balance of power in every relationship,” says Tessina. “This person will gladly run your opinions through the meat grinder in order to keep the scales tipped in his favor, which makes relating as equals pretty much impossible.”

What to do?

Unfortunately, says Tessina, there’s not a lot you can do with someone who’s more interested in followers than friends, and who will likely drive you away with his faux-intellectual smackdowns. Besides, “there’s no point in calling him on it because he’ll just take the contrarian view as usual,” she says. As for Amy’s ex, he got the picture for a second — when she broke up with him.

If the know-it-all in your life is someone you can’t get away from, like your boss, give up trying to get a word in edgewise — this is a battle you can’t win. Let her blather on and try to keep wildly divergent opinions to yourself, if only to be spared the inevitable razzing you’ll get for dissenting. This doesn’t mean you should roll over and play dead, but there’s no point challenging someone whose sole satisfaction comes from arguing and complaining. After all, isn’t it better to be happy than to be “right?” Let us answer this one for you: Yes!

The Mother Of All Critics:
Your Mother
“I wouldn’t get those pants if I were you. They’re made for slender bodies.”

“I’ve never seen anyone hold a baby like that.”

“You look so...tired.”

“Don’t read that book, dear, it’s too challenging.”

You might be the most competent and confident wife/mom/professional in the world. Yet even the hint of a negative word from your own mother can get under your skin — deep. “As a kid, you were raised to not disappoint her,” says Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationships With Your Mother and Father. “It’s very common to get stuck in those childhood roles.” Your mom also knows better than anyone how to push your buttons, and may well come down harder on you than she does on your brother(s) because she thinks that she understands you better.

“Your mom has spent a lifetime pouring her hopes and dreams into you, so when you fail to live up to her ideals, she often can’t help but take it as a reflection of her own failure,” adds Newman. The result: She ends up running her mouth when she probably shouldn’t.

The best way to cope with her critiques is to not allow yourself to slip into that damnable inner-child mode. For instance, instead of feeling like a pudgy, sullen 15-year-old the next time she makes a comment about your weight, remind yourself that you are a capable, enlightened adult.

Then talk to her. “Explain exactly how her words affect you,” suggests Newman. (“Mom, it really makes me feel lousy when you say those things. Is there a reason why you keep doing it?”)

If she can’t stop criticizing you, simply don’t engage in discussions of sensitive subjects with her — your child-rearing methods, your marriage, your weight. If need be — and this may be tough — stop talking to her completely until she understands that you’re dead serious. And don’t be afraid to ruffle her feathers, says Newman: “As a child, you weren’t allowed to challenge her. But doing so today allows the relationship to evolve from a parent-child dynamic to a mature friendship.”